"They Won't Let Me Lead"

For the past year, I've been coaching the new owner of the business I worked for before my son was born.  He is a young man of about 25.  He is very charming and well-spoken, but very inexperienced when it comes to running a business.  This lack of experience is a real challenge because his leadership skills are so weak.  When he is disappointed in an employee's performance, he pouts or stomps around huffing angrily, but refuses to confront the employee or the issue.  He is always wanting me to mention these offenses at staff meetings.  I explained to him that while bringing up the topic in a general way at a staff meeting has value, it doesn't usually cure the problem.  He needs to follow up with individual conversations and disciplinary actions for repeated offenses.  When I first broached the subject of leadership, his response was, "I try to lead, but they won't let me."

I had to bite my tongue to keep from snorting or laughing out loud!  I don't think there was ever a leader who needed permission from those being led to lead.  Besides, submitting to be employed is permission enough.  A good leader will be followed.

Pushing, Shoving, and Posturing

My husband's brother's wife is having a baby girl!  My 11 month old son will probably be an only child, so this news really takes some worry off my mind.  Having someone so close to his age, so nearby, whose parents I'm already close to is great!

My sister-in-law is well aware of the challenges I've faced with our mother-in-law regarding my son.  And she has a shaky relationship with the woman to begin with.  Now, with a baby of her own on the way, she's really feeling the pressure.  And our mother-in-law and her daughter are already trying to solicit promises of access to the baby.  I told her, "I hope I've paved the way for you, but I may have set you up for disaster because I've made so many compromises."  Her response was, "Well, let's just say you're nicer that I will be."  Yikes!  Then she said they start every conversation with "Well, she [meaning me] let's us take him for a photo shoot every month."  Which is true.  "Well, she [meaning me] let's us visit as often as we want."  Which is false.  And besides, she's not under obligation to do what I do, much less what they say I do.

So, she decided to head things off early by having a sit-down to discuss some boundaries.  Her first and foremost concern was the unannounced visits and the frequency of visits.  Mother-in-law lives 2 blocks down from her and popping in without phoning first has been an ongoing issue since she married into the family.  Tearfully, mom-in-law (always playing the victim) agreed to it, claiming that she always calls me first.

Two days later she pops in unannounced at 8am (early for a visit since sister-in-law is known to be a night owl).  And, a first for her, pushed her way into the door and went through several rooms as if she was looking for something/someone.  Well, sister-in-law was babysitting my son.  Apparently, mother-in-law had found out and had to see it for herself.  She was furious because she had not been asked to watch him despite her frequent offers to take him.  Her lame excuse for stopping by was that she didn't know how to type in the wifi password on her tablet (something she has done for herself daily for a year).

This does not bode well.

Cold Hands, Warm Thoughts

My mother-in-law is very possessive with my 8 month old son.  Our family gatherings are very frequent and he is the focus of everyone's attention, but she finds ways to get him alone.  She will use a diaper change to excuse him from the festivities and disappear into a back room, or she'll whisk him away down another path when we're on an outing.  I don't mind her having time with him one on one, but we want him to socialize with the group when appropriate.  And on occasion, she has fed him baby food so that she would not have to bring him to me when I was ready to breastfeed.

Well, we went to a restaurant last night with several members of our extended family and she tried several of her usual tactics, but my husband was diligent in keeping the baby accessible.  She ordered the smallest meal on the menu and finished it in record time so that she could be the first to attend to him while others ate.  As I finished my own meal, the baby got a bit restless and reached for me with eager eyes and a smile.  He was ready to nurse.  As I reached for him, her arms came toward mine.  At first, I thought she was spotting him so that he would not fall as he leaned into me, but actually, her hands grabbed mine and she snapped with intolerable venom, "Your hands are cold!"  The implication was that I shouldn't handle my child unless/until my hands were warm.  I flashed her a solid eye roll and my sister-in-law broke the tension with a shrill giggle.

I find myself feeling very threatened by my mother-in-law.  She feeds him so that he won't want mother's milk.  She prevents him from napping so she doesn't get bored while babysitting.  She positions him so that I'm not in his line of sight.  She incessantly requests to take him places--anywhere that I am not.  She is showing her disapproval of me as a parent in an unexpectedly daring way.  The only comment that has ever gotten back to me through the grapevine is that she feels the need to 'toughen him up because I'm raising a sissy.'  So, I don't think that she has any actual, legitimate, serious concerns with my parenting.  I think the issue is that I am his mother.  My position itself as mother seems to be the apple of discord between us.  I find my own jealousy growing, even as I revolt at her jealousy.

My sister-in-law often remarks that my mother-in-law "needs her grandson so much right now."  I think to myself how odd to put the needs of a grown woman on an 8 month old child's shoulders.  His needs are my focus, but they see things differently.  My husband supports me outwardly, but I feel that he is conflicted.  He wants to share his joy with others, whereas I tend to want it all for myself.  I share my son beyond my personal comfort level, and yet I'm known as a stingy mom.  How is it that I am being greedy and she is just being a grandma?

Door Knob for Baby

My well-meaning mother-in-law says the dumbest things sometimes.  She was walking my 8 month old son around my living room suggesting items that I ought to buy for him to stimulate his interest or abilities.  According to her, he needs a swing, a walker, a jumper, and a myriad of toys.  This goes on for hours like a broken record each time she visits.  The suggestions are too numerous to be taken seriously, so I try to have a sense of humor about them.  Sometimes, she makes it REALLY easy to laugh at them.  At one point, she walked him past the front door and he reached out to touch the shiny brass door knob.  She allowed him to stop there and he spent a minute or two tapping and twisting at the knob.  She turned to me and said, "You need to buy him a door knob like this one, because he is fascinated by it."  I said, "He already has one."  She said with wonder, "He does?"  I said, "Yes, THAT IS HIS door knob."

Walk A Mile...

I knew an elderly woman who was caring for her husband with Alzheimer's.  She told her grown daughters (who had grandchildren of their own) that she just couldn't do it anymore and threatened to put him in a home.  Her daughter's were appalled and decided that she just needed a break.  They pooled their money and sent her on a fabulous cruise while the youngest and healthiest daughter cared for the Alzheimer's patient.  When the elderly woman returned refreshed, her daughter, exhausted after walking a mile in her mother's shoes declared that her beloved father did indeed need to be put into a home.

He actually had to be moved out of several facilities because he was too difficult even for trained professionals!

Make Cheese with Pickle Juice

I saw a program on making homemade cheese and it got me interested because I get so much milk from WIC that I can't drink it all.  I watched a couple of tutorials on youtube and gave it a try. I used 1 gallon of fresh 2% milk and then I needed 1/2 cup of something acidic like lemon juice or vinegar. Well, I decided to use the brine from some pickled banana peppers I had left in the fridge. It wasn't curdling a lot, so I also added a tablespoon of lime juice and that did the trick! It was easy! The cheese came out crumbly and pretty tasty! 

It was really good on the fish tacos we made tonight!

Medusa, and the Look of Death

A nurse entered my husband's hospital room and proposed that she ought to give my husband a sponge bath since it was his 3rd day and he could not stand because of a blood clot. She was rather young and attractive, and I thought, "That's not going to happen--not on my watch." The wide-eyed nurse took a step back, then took 2 more steps back and said in a panic, "Or, I can just bring you the stuff." I nodded approvingly at the new solution, and she rushed out of the room. My husband burst out laughing and said, "You should have seen your face!" I never said a word to her, and I wasn't angry or hostile at any point. I was simply thinking, "No. You're not going to bathe my husband. Don't they have any ugly nurses on this floor?" But she was clearly terrified and never came back into the room.