Dreadful Dreams

I've been reeling from the shock of being fired.  I can't help but dwell on the topic.  After all, I am headless in all of my dreadful dreams, and I have a massive amount of idle time on my hands that comes with being unemployed. 

Perhaps I should go back to the part about being headless.  Yes, the dream I had the night I was fired was a dream where I had to wear a prosthetic head in public until my own grew back.  I blamed my sister-in-law for my headless state, but my mind did not expand on the idea.  In the course of the dream, I was applying make-up to the blank head and thinking that it was still ugly and I would be ashamed to leave the house wearing any head but my own.  It was very disturbing indeed!  In subsequent dreams, I have been part of a search party looking for the heads of dead family members which inexplicably disappeared in the middle of the night.  My sister and I comfort each other as the only survivors of the massacre.  When we are struck with dred that the murderer and head robber might return for us, I awake!

Perhaps my dreams are hyper-vivid because I don't allow myself to dwell freely on the termination of employment during the day. 

In the moments that I let myself examine the events leading up to my termination, I find myself asking many questions.  For instance, why didn't my sister-in-law choose to use their financial difficulties to explain it?  They were already threatening to lay off workers.  If they would have laid me off, then they could tell the family a sob story about how sorry they were to have to let me go.  They would have been the victims, and I would be collateral damage.  I think it noteworthy that my sister-in-law chose to stand toe-to-toe with me and fire me to my face all the while claiming that I am intimidating and unapproachable.  Perhaps she lacked the courage, until this manic episode.

The timing was very odd. Another coworker had just remarked how well everyone was getting along, and how smoothly things were running.  I had to agree.  Though I wasn't particularly happy with my sister-in-law, her mood seemed to be better than usual (characteristicly manic).  The day before my termination, my brother was even altering my workstation to accomodate my petite build.  The alterations would make it very difficult for any of the others to work there comfortably.  They had recently included me in a staff photograph that they're having published in a sales flyer.  I have 1000 new business cards with my name and contact information on them.  No, there really was no sign that they had planned something this drastic for long.  Something happened between 6pm one night and 1pm the next day.  I think I can properly disown any causality. 

Lying in Wait

I arrived to work today, to find my desk covered with items not belonging to me.  The pile was so high, that I could not reach my monitor.  A voice behind me says very seriously, "We need to talk."

I spun around and my sister-in-law said very calmly and deliberately, "I feel like I have to walk around on eggshells because I can't deal with you.  I find myself asking everyone else to do what I'd like you to do which isn't fair to anyone."

I asked, "What have I left undone that you asked me to do?" 

She explained, "Well, that is just it, I didn't ask you to do anything.  You're not approachable.  I should be comfortable around my own employees.  I'm sorry, but it just isn't working out."  With that, she handed me my final paycheck and asked for my key. 

I was completely shocked!  For a moment, I thought I would lunge at the throat beneath that smug expression.  Just then, my brother appeared in the doorway behind her with a mortified look of embarrassment mixed with empathy.  I poked around the desk for a few personal items which I loaded up into my bag.  My brother said that I could come back any time for forgotten items later remembered.  A moment later, I found her at her station and turned in my key.  She muttered something unintelligible, a syllable or two.  And, I left.  In Colorado, you can terminate employment for any reason, or for no reason.

I wanted to bring the house down with a fit of immense proportions, but my brother would suffer most.  Besides, she really did take the lion's portion of blame by admitting that she is intimidated by me.  And, if I treated my husband as she does, I wouldn't want his sister to be a daily witness to it either.  She ought to fear what a family member might relate about her behavior. 

And then there is the possibility that when her manic episode (I am sure she suffers from bi-polar disorder) is over, and she quits--which she frequently does--I might be asked back.  Remember, she fired me once before, but recanted within 10 minutes.  And she doesn't like to do actual work.  Yes, she likes to barge in and shout orders, but primarily, when she is at work, she is watching videos and socializing and encouraging the staff to do the same.  Everyone of us has been known to admit that nothing really gets done when she is there.  Of course, most of them enjoy the fact that her presence brings on a holiday of sorts.  I think that my brother and I were the only ones ever bothered by the lack of accomplishments on those particular work days. 

Possible Lay Off

My brother announced to the staff that we may have to lay a couple of people off for a week or two.  Year end taxes nearly broke the bank.  There is plenty of work scheduled on the horizon, but after this payroll, there won't be any money left.  Everyone started brainstorming about debts we could collect and customers we could approach to increase our sales opportunities.  It was just the response he wanted to hear, and everyone left the meeting feeling rather hopeful.

Just then his wife arrived, collected the staff together, and began haughtily, "We have let you people slide for too long!  We're all going to have to buckle down--."  My brother quickly cut her off, saying that he had already addressed the staff on this matter.  She was disappointed because she had prepared quite a tirade.

I didn't care for the fact that her tone seemed to suggest that the fault lie with us, when she manages the money. 

Later, it slipped out that me and the new guy were the ones they intended to lay off, if it came to that.  I thought that somewhat odd, since my sister-in-law's skills are geared toward accounting.  Yet, somehow, the girl caring for the day to day accounting, buying, and billing (also her best friend) was in no danger of being affected by the lay off. 

I set to work with sales as my goal.  What did the boss's wife busy herself with?  She pulled everyone off of their projects to reorganize the warehouse, move furniture, change stations.  Clearly, she is less concerned about making money than she is setting things in order so she can manage without a staff! 

Anyway, enough monies could be collected from past due invoices to more than cover the rent and payroll.

A Setback

My boss's wife pushed for several trademarked items to be listed on a certain online site where we were selling some merchandise.  I ignored her as long as I dared, but she insisted more adamantly.  And when I thought that my job was in jeopardy, I did as I was told.  Immediately, I received warnings from the site administration and the content was removed.  Her response was rather flippant, and she insisted that we push the issue and relist the items.  As a result, our storefront was shut down indefinitely.  This set back my department one whole year and set our online sales back to zero.

She had always thought another venue would be more profitable, though admittedly more expensive.  So, I began to build a second storefront on the new site.  Well, the cost was overwhelming, the results underwhelming (as I had predicted).  But I had started a third and forth store on some lesser known sites that began to see steady results, so I felt that my job was secure.

She commissioned a new employee to build a stand alone website, and work on that began.  I thought once of feeling threatened by this, but since the task was rather outside and above his skill level, it would take time.  Lots of time.  And they had ignored my warning that the site could not draw much traffic with the planned approach.  It has been several months now, but the stand alone website is scheduled to launch next Friday.

I don't know what this will mean for my future with the company.  I have only been consulted on the new project occasionally, which is odd since I am the Online Sales & Marketing member of the team.

Also, this week, all of my assigned tasks have been very menial.  For instance, a phone was placed at my work station.  I was told that the morning shift will share the responsibility of reception as always, but when my shift begins, that task will fall exclusively to me.  Hmmm.  Okay.  Also, from now on, it is my job to take out the trash and clean the warehouse every Friday.  This used to be a shared responsibility that was rotated.  I suppose, that since my department is struggling financially through no fault of my own, these tasks justify keeping me on to free up other members whose endeavors are currently bringing in more money. 

The day after being informed of these changes, I was busy with a customer and was carrying a heavy load from the rear of the warehouse where there are no phones.  The phone began to ring.  And ring.  And ring.  I looked around to find that all the eyes of the entire staff were fixed on me.  I made a dash to the phone, knowing full well that it was a test.  I was nearly to the phone when the new guy reluctantly picked it up.  I swiped it from him hastily, threw a look of displeasure to everyone, and said, "no, that is MY JOB!"

A few minutes later, my brother noticed that I had started to cry, but he dared not interfere.

Setting Aside Differences

In one of my most recent posts, I concluded that the job situation was doomed. I wasn't wrong, but a strange turn of events has kept me employed. The rocky relationship with the boss's wife (and sister-in-law) degraded to the point that I was almost certainly going to be fired. The next day, a young man (and mutual friend to the entire staff) was killed in a tragic car accident. My boss's wife immediately declared a truce, siting as her reason that life is too short to stay worked up about our petty differences. I agreed. We began to focus on the work. I was glad that we buried the hatchet, because only a week later, our Grandfather died. We were both grateful that we could deal with that free of resentment over the work tension. Since then, things have been fairly stable. Nothing like a series of unfortunate events to set you straight on what is truly important....

A Rash of Tragedy

I want to explain to my readers why I have neglected my blog for so long. About 6 months ago, my husband's friend in his 40s died from a battle with brain cancer. A month or so later on a Friday, I attended 2 funerals. One, a dear friend in her early 90s, who left me all of her beautiful clothing. The second, a 23 year old man who died suddenly in a car wreck, who left behind a young wife. The next day, my sister called saying, "You need to get over to Grandma's house, because Grandpa is probably dead."

What is "probably" dead? Well, Grandma had come home to find him napping, but was unable to wake him. Moments later the fire department had arrived to the scene and I received a call from my brother, who was out of state on a jobsite. He confirmed that Grandpa had indeed died. My husband & I were only a few blocks from the house. Everyone seemed to arrive at once--mom, sister, aunt, sheriff. The coroner arrived shortly thereafter.


He had been up for breakfast, and had shut up the house, turned down the covers, and laid down on the bed for a nap (he frequently took naps). It was a rough patch for all of us, but at some point a friend of the family joked that he would've preferred to die with his boots on. Unfortunately, it is difficult to die in your bed and with your boots on.

Most recently, my aunt was killed in an airplane crash. Several other acquaintences died within this time frame. And it seemed that I would never have another funeral-free weekend again.

My faith in the resurrection has kept me on my feet and functioning despite the multiple losses I've suffered.

The most difficult part is forcing aside your own grief in the presence of friends and family suffering the same losses. It seems that your own internal grief could be endured, but being in setting after setting, funeral parlor after funeral parlor, witnessing the tears of so many others is nearly unbearable.

Time to Move On

I have gotten a good taste of what this new job is all about, and I’ve decided that I need to develop an exit strategy. I love the work, but that is no reason for me to stay. I always love the work itself. I have always been able to say that at every job I’ve ever had, and I will be able to say that at my next job. It just means that I love to work.

My brother’s new business needs me. I could almost justify staying for that reason. Almost. Unfortunately, my job description has been altered so much that my skills no longer have any practical application to the tasks I’m being assigned. It really doesn’t matter that my expertise is internet sales and marketing when 50% of my time is spent cleaning up after the production team. I’m not allowed to do anything meaningful, at least not for long enough to see it through to any success.

I don’t believe that the business can survive. The co-owners are constantly at odds about their business plan, or they have no business plan, or the business plan changes from week to week. My brother wants to depend on word of mouth and just cruise along with a wait and see attitude. From his point of view, the lease is month-to-month and if something develops, great; and if not, they have their other business to fall back on. It’s more of a comfortable hobby to him. Having thrown my lot in with them, I’m uncomfortable with his lack of ambition. Then there is his wife, whose ambition is to be in-charge of employees. She cares nothing for customer service, quality control, or success. Having employees and a business to run gives her an excuse to leave children with someone else and affords her a measure of self-importance that she desperately needs--but then my brother berates her in front of her employees which sabotages her enjoyment completely. Every other week she “doesn’t want anything to do with the business” and then she returns with new office chairs and big remodeling plans—plans that have no money or manpower to see them to fruition. They have not put up a sign on the building. Yes, a sign shop with no signage. This does not bode well for longevity. Having a brick-n-mortar, equipment, and employees does not constitute a business.

The longer I stay, the messier this job separation will be. I’ve had very bad job separations before, but working for relatives increases the potential for a painful ordeal. I’ve gotten what I can out of this job and I have been able to learn a lot of graphic design software and how to operate special equipment.